i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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