he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
