I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
