Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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