I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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