I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
