I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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