I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
