take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
