First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
