i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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