stop calling my apartment porn island.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize