based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Randomize
