And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
