forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
