I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
