He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
