Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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