You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
