OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize