The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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