he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
