I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
