Don't make out with my wife yet
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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