i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
