I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
