I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
