my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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