Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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