I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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