apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
