I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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