I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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