I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
