you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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