Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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