I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
