just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
