my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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