Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
