Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
