Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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