So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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