So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
