Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize