alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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