Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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