Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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