how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
