Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
someone owes me an orgasm
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
