No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
