Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
