So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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