If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
