I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
