So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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