needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
